


Gaff Tape

by PranderJr



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, F/F, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:29:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28783458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PranderJr/pseuds/PranderJr
Summary: When Shelby tries out for the fall play she expects to make new friends, but she doesn't expect to fall for the hot-headed stage manager.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 18
Kudos: 125





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've ever written, so I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I hope you enjoy though!

Opening Night

“Dot, who else is left to EQ? We need to wrap up sound checks; house opens in about 20 minutes and we still have to do tech circle before that happens,” Toni shouted out to the sound booth in the house as she walked onto the stage.

“We just need Andrew! Everyone else is good,” Dot called back.

“Andrew… of fucking course,” Toni muttered under her breath as she spun on her heel and walked swiftly through the small hall that led to the big backstage hallway stage left. “Andrew! Where’s Andrew? We need him out onstage for his sound check.” People shook their heads and muttered that they didn’t know where Andrew was. Toni let out an exasperated sigh and walked to the far end of the hallway, first asking someone to check the guy’s dressing room and eventually finding him in the makeup room chatting with some sophomore girl. Rolling her eyes, Toni ordered him onstage for his mic check and stalked away. She still needed to get a few things done before tech circle and before the house opened. Hopefully the assistant stage managers were getting the drinks ready for circle.

Just as she was about to open the door to the small hallway leading back onstage, she thought heard a noise from the darkened shop right next to the door. Pausing, she figured as the stage manager she should probably check to make sure everything is okay, so she walked back to the entrance of the shop and looked it. It was too dark to see anything inside from the bright hallway, so she walked in a blinked a few times, hoping her eyes would adjust quickly so she could get some more things done.

“Shelby?” she asked cautiously.

“Oh, Lord, sorry. I’m just, y’know…taking a breather in here. It’s just pretty loud out there, so…” she trailed off without looking at Toni.

“Yeah. It normally is opening night. Guess I’ll have to go yell at them to shut up before house opens,” Toni joked, coaxing a small smile from Shelby’s strained face. Shelby didn’t say anything, and she was still looking at the ground. “Is there something I can help with?”

“Oh…no,” Shelby said, her voice much higher than normal. “Um, just…I’m just nervous for tonight. Haven’t had to perform in front of anyone since my last pageant months ago. Do you think—well, could you…” she trailed off again, still staring intently at the ground.

Normally, Toni would’ve just waited for Shelby to figure out what she wanted to say but after glancing down at her watch, she saw there were 17 minutes until house opened and she needed to be at tech circle, like now. “Could I what?” Toni asked softly, trying very hard to keep any impatience out of her voice.

And then, without speaking, Shelby suddenly grabbed Toni and pulled her into a hug. Reflexively, Toni hugged back, a little shocked that Shelby was voluntarily touching her after avoiding and ignoring her for the past week. She didn’t say anything but seemed to be clinging to Toni like she was a life boat. However good this hug felt, Toni needed to be at tech circle because the house was going to open soon. “Shelby, I really need to go. House opens soon. You’re going to be amazing though, and we can talk, or not talk, whatever you want, later.” Toni squeezed Shelby before stepping back and smiling at the girl who still hadn’t looked at her face yet.

“Right, of course. Have fun callin’ those cues.”

“Break a leg, Shelby.” Toni felt bad as she walked quickly across the stage to backstage right because she could sense that the moment she’d pulled away, Shelby’s walls had resurrected, and that was the last thing she wanted. However, tech circle couldn’t really happen without her, and if she’d stayed any longer they would’ve been forced to skip tech circle and just open the house. As it was, she hoped she didn’t run into Mr. Hull on the way there because he’d certainly say there was no time and direct her to the booth.

“Hey, where ya been?” Martha asked over the murmuring of techies circled up in the ladder room that led to the lighting alcoves and grid.

“Just checking up on some last-minute things,” Toni replied, taking the red solo cup full of Welch’s sparking grape juice. “Alright, we don’t have much time, so let’s get to it. This is my last fall show here, and it’s been amazing working with everyone. We’ve all worked so hard and tonight we get to share that. I’m not really a sentimental program, but I am so proud of all of you. Any of the other seniors want to say anything?” After a quick glance around at the other seniors who shook their heads, Toni nodded and held up her drink. They all drank quickly and then the cups were stacked. Then, they all knelt down and whispered a short poem, increasing in volume and standing up slowly with each repetition: “Whether the weather be cold or whether the weather be hot, we’ll be together whatever the weather whether we like it or not!”

The house opened and everything went smoothly, with everyone on headset making jokes and Toni couldn’t help but think of Shelby and everything that had happened. The top of the show was a blur, but nothing went horribly wrong and when Shelby made her entrance, Toni felt like her breath got caught in her chest. She looked gorgeous.

When Andrew entered, Toni couldn’t help scoffing, especially when he stumbled over a line. She could practically hear the exasperated sigh Shelby would’ve let out at his poor acting. How the fuck had he ended up a lead? Of course, Shelby didn’t let his inadequate acting trip her up, and she covered for him immediately, which was even more impressive than normal since the dialogue was rhyming couplets.

The rest of the show went well, and Toni didn’t miscall a single cue, though she came pretty close after one of Shelby’s amazing monologues.

After opening night:

Toni was smiling, accepting congratulations from students she rarely talked to and walking around the school’s hallway, eager to get backstage and away from all the happy, supportive families. She’d already taken a photo with Martha and her mother and was just deciding to head back into the theatre when she saw Dave Goodkind and Andrew laughing together. Then Andrew pulled Shelby in for a hug and her mother snapped a quick photo. Shelby did not look nearly as enthusiastic as her father or Andrew, but Toni still felt like vomiting. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before opening the door to the backstage hallway and entering. Toni needed to get her things cleaned up and put the sawhorses back up around the perimeter of the pit before she could head home and start on her homework. Hopefully the actors would get out of costume quickly so she could get a few hours of sleep that night.

Toni had just started putting up the sawhorses when Martha came out from backstage. “Hey, great job tonight!” she said. “Thanks, you too. The costumes looked great,” Toni replied. “So, I’m really really sorry about this, but my mom just texted and told me she has to pick up an extra shift and she doesn’t want to leave my baby cousins alone in the house for long, so I have to leave right now,” Martha said apologetically. “I’m really sorry I can’t give you a ride.”

“Don’t worry about it, Marty. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, 100 percent. Drive safely, the roads are probably pretty slippery by now,” Toni said with a final smile to Martha.

“Text me when you get home, okay? I’ll text you, too.”

Toni finished her cleaning up and putting her stuff in her bag. She checked backstage to make sure all the lights were off and walked through the back hallway to make sure it wasn’t left a complete fucking disaster by the actors. Thankfully, basically everyone seemed to have cleared out by this point. She checked the makeup room, and dressing rooms.

“Goodnight, Toni. Excellent job tonight,” Mr. Hull called out to her as she exited the hallway.

“Thanks,” she replied with a tired smile.

She was about to pull out her earbuds, when she glanced up and saw Shelby standing there staring at her. Swallowing, Toni asked, “What’re you still doing here? Shouldn’t you have left, like fifteen minutes ago?”

“I’m giving you a ride home,” Shelby replied in a slightly shaky voice.

“Who says I need a ride home?”

“Oh, Lord, Toni, please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. Martha told me she couldn’t give you a ride home tonight, and I’m not letting you walk home in this weather.”

“Shelby, it’s fine.”

“It’s 15 degrees outside, seven with the wind chill. It’s not fine.”

“You looked it up?” Toni asked with a smile.

“I thought you might need some convincin’. Let’s go, it’s already late.”

“Okay,” Toni relented and followed Shelby out the door. Instantly, the wind whipped her hair around and the bitter cold penetrated her jacket. She was honestly thankful Shelby had decided to wait for her; it would’ve been a long, cold walk.

The two of them didn’t speak as Shelby started the car without getting in and turned on the defrost. “Just gonna scrape the ice off real fast,” Shelby said.

Toni nodded and would’ve offered to help but Shelby didn’t have more than one ice scraper. A few minutes later Shelby slid into the car, shivering slightly. “Well, certainly don’t have to do this back home,” Shelby said with a small smile.

“I bet not,” Toni said, hesitating slightly before she added, “You were wonderful tonight.”

“Thanks, Toni. You were amazing, too,” Shelby said put the car in drive and started leaving the parking lot.

Toni didn’t reply because Shelby was being confusing as fuck. First the tech rehearsal incident, then the weeklong avoidance, the hug tonight, and now she was giving Toni a ride home and acting as if none of it had ever happened. In an attempt to make things slightly less awkward, Toni asked, “Is your dad gonna be pissed you’re getting home past your curfew?”

“Yes,” Shelby replied quietly.

“Oh, well…” Toni didn’t really know how to respond to this. It surprised her because she knew Shelby really cared about what her father thought of her and it was incredibly out of character to do something that would upset him. “Stick it to the man, I guess.”

Shelby scoffed but didn’t say anything. Toni didn’t feel like prying tonight, she was too tired and, besides, she didn’t want to push Shelby into talking about anything. Toni sighed, realizing the fifteen minute drive to her house was not going to be a comfortable one.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments! I really appreciate them :)

By the time they were pulling off the gravel road and down the winding road that led to Toni’s current place of residence the only conversation they’d had was when Shelby asked if Toni if she wanted the heater turned up. She didn’t. Shelby put the car in park and then sat there, her gazed fixed on the giant house that was almost always only occupied by Toni.

Toni had just pulled her backpack up and had her hand on the car door when Shelby finally spoke, “I didn’t see Kathleen tonight.”

Toni let out a hollow laugh, “Of course not, she doesn’t actually give a shit about me. She and Steve are on some fucking cruise or something.”

“I just thought she might come since it was opening night of your final fall show. And you’ve worked so hard.”

While Toni appreciated the sentiment, this conversation was honestly only upsetting her. She didn’t intend to be rude but, in her exhaustion, she snapped, “Y’know, Shelby, I’m not sure how you haven’t gotten this by now, but very few people in this world actually give a flying fuck about me, and Kathleen is not among them. The only reason she’s even letting me stay is because she gets to tell all her other rich friends that she's a good person for taking in a stray.”

Toni opened the car door and was getting out when Shelby turned to Toni and shouted, her Texan accent more pronounced in her distress, “Wait, I’m sorry. I just… I don’t...” Shelby was clearly at a loss for words and confused about Toni’s sudden change in mood.

“Okay, well, I’m not really in the mood to talk about my shitty foster parents right now, so unless there’s anything else you wanted to talk about, I’m gonna go now. I’d like to get some sleep before tomorrow’s show.”

“I’m sorry…I- I just, I can’t… You’re right. I got FCA tomorrow mornin’ anyway. Goodnight.” And just like that, the vulnerability Shelby had been displaying was gone. Toni felt bad seeing how much her words had stung Shelby. She knew Shelby hadn’t intended to upset her, but Shelby seemed to be doing that more now that she ever before.

“Thanks for the ride,” Toni muttered before she shut the door and walked slowly up to the entrance of the house. She pulled out her keys and pushed in the door, glancing back to see Shelby beginning to drive away. Toni slipped off her shoes and left them in the foyer. Kathleen may not have been there, but Toni didn’t want to risk getting any shit on her floor because she’d end up having to scrub them for days. Not bothering to turn on the lights, she set her bag down and pulled some ice cream out of the fridge. After filling a bowl, she sat down at the island and started eating. She pulled out her phone to see a text from Marty.

Martha 10:32 _Home safe_

Martha 10:40 _Are you home yet?_

Toni 10:49 _Yeah sorry just got here. Glad you’re safe. Have a goodnight_

Martha 10:50 _Yayyy also, incredible job tonight_

Toni 10:50 _Thx you too_

She set her phone back down and finished her ice cream before rinsing it and putting it in the dishwasher. Toni grabbed her backpack and walked up the stairs to her room. She dumped her stuff on the bedroom floor and tossed her phone on the bed before going into the adjoining bathroom, washing her face and brushing her teeth. She switched her clothes and then sat on the edge of her bed, trying to decided whether or not it was worth starting her homework or if she should just go to sleep and work tomorrow during her study hall. Deciding she didn’t really have enough energy to be able to focus, she picked up her phone and got in bed. She lay there, thinking for a few minutes, before opening iMessage and tapping Shelby’s name.

Toni 11:03 _Hey, you get home safely?_

Shelby 11:03 _Yes_.

Groaning at Shelby’s response, Toni plugged in her phone and cocooned herself in the comforter, trying not to think about how hopeful she’d felt after Shelby had hugged her. Unfortunately, not thinking about that sent her mind right back to what it had been obsessing over since the tech rehearsal.

_Toni looked up from what she was doing when she heard the shop door opening. The tech rehearsal didn’t officially start for another hour and a half and everyone else who already at the auditorium was busy prepping stuff before the actors arrived._

_Toni felt her breath catch when she saw the blond hair and beautiful eyes staring intently at her. “Shelby? Why are you here?”_

_“Well, I am a part of the show, yes?” she asked with a weary smile._

_“Yeah, but actors aren’t called for another hour. Besides, it’s finals week, since you don’t have to be here, you should be studying or writing that stupid fucking paper for Flores.”_

_Shelby shrugged and walked further into the shop, stopping just in front of Toni. “What’re you doin’?” she asked, gesturing down to the table._

_Toni glanced down too, as if she’d forgotten what she was doing and needed a reminder. “Oh, I’m, uh, taping the battery packs for the wireless headsets. They’re old as fuck and falling apart.”_

_“I see.”_

_“Plus, it’s a nice excuse to use some gaff tape,” Toni said laughing quietly._

_"Some what?” Shelby asked as she stepped even closer to Toni and glanced down at the tape in her hands._

_"Gaff tape, the superior tape. Gaff tape can fix anything.”_

_"Isn’t that duct tape?”_

_Shaking her head, Toni said, “Nope, gaff tape is way better than duct.”_

_“It’s sure got a funny name,” Shelby said, no longer looking at the tape but into Toni’s face. “Maybe I should get some gaff tape, could really use it right now.”_

_Toni laughed, which made Shelby really smile, “Sure. But gaff tape is hella expensive, so…”_

_“Soo, maybe that means you could just give me some.” Shelby’s voice was barely audible and lower than normal, making Toni think she could feel the words on her face more than hear them._

_“Tape?” Toni asked uncertainly, very aware of how close Shelby was to her._

_“Yeah… tape…” Shelby said as her eyes fixed on Toni’s lips._

_Toni felt her own heart rate skyrocket as Shelby leaned forward and closed her eyes. Then, Toni dropped the gaff tape and scrambled to the floor to pick it up. When she was standing back up, Shelby was a few yards away, her face burning red._

_After a moment or two of silence, Shelby said, “Gotta go write that paper,” and turned on her heel, her ponytail whipping through the air because of her speed._

_Toni stared after her and then looked down at the gaff tape in her hands. “What the fuck?” Her mind was swirling. Shelby had definitely just tried to kiss her, and she’d definitely just dropped the tape on purpose to dodge a kiss from a girl she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about since she’d first seen her. Toni probably would’ve spent the rest of the time before rehearsal standing there in shock if she hadn’t felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She pulled it out and saw a text from Dot._

_Dot 2:07_ Hey, just finished the last sound cues. I’m gonna go grab some Subway for lunch, you want your usual?

 _Toni 2:07_ That’d be amazing, tysm.

_Toni finished taping the second battery pack and then took them to their respective assistant stage manager stands. She stood at the stage right stage manager’s stand for a moment, watching the lights change as the lighting director made adjustments. Then she walked a few steps over to the lock rail of the fly system and decided to bring the curtains and midstage traveler out slightly so the assistant stage managers wouldn’t forget to do that before they started sweeping._

_Toni walked back across the stage and went out into the backstage hallway. More techies were beginning to arrive and she realized she’d forgotten to set out the sign-in attendance sheets. Sighing, she walked back into the auditorium and grabbed the attendance sheets from the binder with her script and went to the entrance of the backstage hallway next to the makeup room and set the papers down along with a pen._

_Fatin walked out and glanced down at the attendance sheets before saying, “Y’know, you literally set those out where almost all the actors will enter and most actors will still forget to sign in. Speaking off, since those weren’t out when I got here, do me a favor and sign me in?”_

_Rolling her eyes, Toni did as Fatin asked, as well as marking off any other techies she’d seen so far. She considered marking Shelby down, but there was still so much time before Shelby’s call time that she easily could’ve left the school._

_“Hey, bitches!” Dot shouted as she pushed open the door to the backstage hallway. “I come bearing gifts. Let’s eat.”_

_“Hell yeah, Dot,” Fatin said, following Dot down the hall and into the green room._

_They finished eating pretty quickly, and Fatin went back down to the makeup room._

_“Hey, I was thinking we could go over the final sound cues that I just added today,” Dot said._

_“Oh yeah, good idea. I’ll go grab my script. Be right back.” It turned out to be a very good that Dot had suggested a review because the sound cues were a mess and there weren’t even that many in the show. After a long and frustrating twenty minutes, Toni finally walked out of the green room sighing before proceeding down the hall to the open doors of the makeup room, its bright fluorescent lights flooding into the hall. “Hey, have you seen Shelby?” Toni asked over the loud music._

_“Ayyy, Toni, forgot to say it earlier but you’re hot in the all black! Or maybe you’re so hot because you’re the all-powerful stage manager,” ” Fatin called back, looking up from her inventory of the foundation._

_“Thanks, Fatin, but have you—”_

_“Seen Shelby? Yeah, she’s way taller than you, hot, blond—”_

_“Fatin, seriously, no bullshit, I still have a lot of shit to get done before the actors show up. Have you seen her recently?”_

_“Fine, ruin my fun. How much you wanna bet you’re gonna make this rehearsal even worse by telling me to turn down the music later?”_

_“Well, actors do actually need to be able to hear what the fuck is going on onstage. Shelby?”_

_“Saw her maybe forty-five minutes ago. Said she was going to do some studying.”_

_“Do you know if she left the school?”_

_“Not sure, sorry.”_

_“Alright, thanks. Oh, and Fatin, you aren’t even wearing all black and you look hot as fuck, too,” Toni called back as she left the makeup room. She wasn’t sure exactly what she was doing; Shelby would need to start getting her costume and makeup on soon, so even if she did find her it wasn’t like they could actually talk for long. And what would she say anyway? Toni decided that she would just check the practice rooms for Shelby before checking back in with the assistant stage managers._

_She left the backstage hallway and walked to the choir room door just down the hall. She opened the door and dim automatic lights turned on. Toni walked to the middle of the choir room and opened the door leading to the four small practice rooms between the band and choir rooms. As she’d assumed there would be, a light was on in one of the rooms. Taking a deep breath, she opened it and saw Shelby looking up at her, emotions flitting across her face before she looked back down at the computer in her lap._

_“Hey, you good?” Toni asked softly as she pulled the practice door shut behind her._

_“I’m fine. Toni, what do you want?”_

_“What?” Toni asked, perplexed by the anger evident in Shelby’s voice._

_“Well, you’re the stage manager and you’ve got lots to do, yet you’re here wasting my time.”_

_“Woah, hey, wasting your time? What the hell, Shelby? I just wanted to make sure you were okay after—”_

_“After what, Toni? Nothing happened. We talked in the shop about stupid tape, and then I realized that talking to you was wasting my energy, and I decided to do my homework,” Shelby fumed to her computer._

_Toni stood there in shock for a moment before anger overcame hurt, “Fine. Don’t be late to rehearsal and don’t forget to sign in.”_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Just a heads up, Shelby has an anxiety attack during this chapter. I hope you're all doing okay! :)

Shelby drove home slower than necessary after dropping off Toni, listening to music quietly and blinking back tears. “Damn it, Shelby, you killed it tonight…focus on that. Be happy about that,” she muttered to herself as she stopped at a stoplight. “Daddy even said he was proud of you…he’s proud of you,” she murmured while glancing at the clock. A wave of nausea washed over her as she realized just how late she was getting home. Her father was going to grill her on where exactly she had been tonight after the performance and why it had taken so long.

Shelby opened the garage door as she pulled into their driveway. After parking, she turned off the car and closed the garage but didn't get out. Her head fell into her hands as she tried to regulate her rapidly accelerating breathing. Shelby stared into her lap for a few minutes before grabbing her water bottle and taking a sip. She exhaled, grabbed her bag from the back, and opened the car door.

Shelby slipped her shoes off and hung up her coat. She could see lights reflecting on the wooden floor from the living room and heard quiet voices. She walked slowly, though with purpose, into the room. Her parents were sitting on separate couches reading. Neither looked up when she entered.

“Hi,” Shelby said working hard to keep her voice from shaking. Her mother looked up sympathetically from her novel but didn’t speak. Her father still hadn’t looked at her. Shelby was just about to apologize for being late when her father spoke.

“Shelby, what does the Bible say about parents?”

“The Bible says we should honor thy father and thy mother,” Shelby responded as she looked at her father who still hadn’t bothered to look at her.

“Honor thy father and honor thy mother. The fifth commandment. Shelby, you’ve been hearin’ the Ten Commandments since before you could walk. So, why've you been disrespecting us so much?”

“I…I’m not dis—”

“You told us you would be home long before now. Your mother and I have been very worried about you. We will have this discussion tomorrow afternoon. Go to bed now,” her father ordered.

“Daddy, I’m sor—” Shelby began.

“You just told me God tells us to honor thy father and honor thy mother. I see you losin’ your way now and God does, too, Shelby. A good first step back to God would be listenin’ to me now.”

“Of course, Daddy,” she said before turning and walking up to her room.

Shelby dropped her bag on the carpeted floor and sank onto her unmade bed without turning on the bedroom light. She stared at the faded yellow wall for a moment wishing she could repaint the room before getting up and putting on her softest, most comforting pajamas. Shelby was just about to walk to the bathroom when she heard a text notification from her phone. She picked up her phone and felt her heart begin to race when she saw Toni’s name.

Toni 11:03 _Hey, you get home safely?_

Shelby wanted to say yes and so much more. She wanted to call Toni and tell her about everything that had happened and cry and just know that Toni was listening to her. She was desperate to tell Toni about all the stupid, funny things that had happened and the how beautiful the dew on the grass had looked this morning, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do any of that.

Shelby 11:03 _Yes_.

After sending the text, Shelby’s finger hovered over “Block contact” but she couldn’t bring herself to do that yet. She decided that she would block Toni once the play finished; it would not be good if she missed any messages from the stage manager. She did however turn off the notifications from Toni. Not getting notifications but still being able to see messages or calls felt if she chose to seemed like a good happy medium.

Shelby scrubbed the stage makeup off her face and brushed her teeth quickly, only glancing in the mirror when absolutely necessary. Then she curled up in her bed underneath the blanket wanting to cry but feeling incapable of crying anymore. Shelby anxiously waited for sleep to come because she was tired but also because she was terrified of what sleep might bring. Every night since Tuesday she’d had to relive the conversation she’d overheard that afternoon between her parents. Tonight was no different.

_Shelby froze on her way down the stairs when she heard her father say, “Well, this behavior is absolutely unacceptable. I will not allow my daughter to lose herself to this sin.” She had a little sister; he could be referring to her. He must be. There was no way he could know, right? No, she thought, there is absolutely no way he could know because there is nothing for him to know._

_“Dave, we don’t actually know that Shelby wrote this.” Shelby felt her stomach drop, and she clenched her jaw, trying to prevent herself from literally throwing up. What the fuck were they looking at?_

_Just as her father began to reply, the back door opened, and Shelby heard her siblings running into the kitchen. “Walk,” he said instead of whatever he’d been about to say about Shelby._

_“Hey, kids! You havin’ fun?” Shelby’s mother asked as Shelby turned and ran back up the stairs. She slammed the bathroom door shut and slid to the ground with her head in her hands. Her breathing sped up as she tried to stop herself from screaming and sobbing. This wasn’t fucking happening. It couldn’t be happening. Shelby didn’t even realize she was crying until she looked in the mirror and saw tear tracks glittering on her face. She rubbed her face vigorously, trying change the image of the terrified girl she saw reflected in the mirror._

_Her breathing accelerated even more, and she felt another wave of fear crash over her, but this time it was because she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to catch her breath and would need to go to the hospital. No, fuck, she couldn’t do that. The final dress rehearsal was tonight. She needed to calm down. She needed to talk to someone. Who could she call? Toni was, of course, who she wanted to talk to but talking to her would only make things worse. She reached to pull her phone out of her pocket when she realized she didn’t even have it. Shelby felt tears begin streaming down her face again as she realized her phone was on her dresser, and Andrew was still in her room._

_“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” she hissed. She needed to do something to release all this energy. She swung her hand back, about to slap the wall when she realized her parents would hear and then ask questions. Shelby couldn’t deal with any questions from anyone right now. Feeling trapped, she lowered herself back to the ground and put her head between her legs, hugging herself tightly._

_She wasn’t quite sure when she stopped crying and her breathing evened out, but it felt like it took forever. Slowly, she raised her head and saw the bottom of the sink. Pushing herself up, she stepped unsteadily to the sink and turned on the water. She doused her face with cold water, and then studied herself in the mirror after drying off. She took another deep, steadying breath before opening the bathroom door and stepping out._

_Instantly, Shelby was hit by a wave of cool air. That surprised her because the bathroom was normally warmer than the hallway, but she realized her abnormally high body heat must’ve warmed the room up. She paused for a moment outside her open doorway before taking a deep breath and entering. Andrew was lounging on her bed on his phone, completely unaware and apathetic to the fact that his girlfriend had disappeared for so long._

_“Hey, babe. Where are the snacks?” he asked, not even bothering to look at her._

_“Andrew, please get off my bed,” Shelby said, her fists clenched as she fought to maintain her recently regained composure._

_“Oh, come on, I’m not gonna poison your bed by being on it. I thought you were getting us snacks,” he said glancing up from his phone to look at her._

_“I—I was… I just realized I got a lot of things I need to do.”_

_“You can do them while I’m here.”_

_“Andrew,” Shelby pleaded desperately, “Please leave.”_

_Sitting up, he glared at her and rolled his eyes. “So, you don’t want to run lines?”_

_“We’ve been off book for weeks now. We perform in a few days. We have rehearsal later anyway. We’ll be fine if we skip this. Please leave now.”_

_“Jeez, calm down. You on your period or something?”_

_“Andrew!” Shelby stayed rooted to the spot until she heard Andrew saying goodbye to her parents and the front door shutting. After hearing his car start, she shut her door and picked her phone up from the dresser. She turned on her Bluetooth speaker, started a random playlist and turned it up louder than she normally would have. Then, as she sat down on her bed, she realized she’d gotten a text from Toni. She felt her throat constricting as she tapped the notification and saw the stupid contact photo Toni had put in her phone when she’d taken Shelby’s phone._

_Toni 4:25_ just heard this really stupid joke. wanna hear it?

_Toni 4:41_ or read it ig since we’re texting rn

_Shelby threw her phone across the room and couldn’t stop a sob from breaking through her lips. She lay down on her bed, hugging herself and letting the tears consume her again. Toni still being nice to her was so much harder to deal with than a pissed off Toni would’ve been. Fuck, she just needed everything to pause._

_Shelby sat up and then stumbled around her room, looking for her phone and eventually finding it underneath her bean bag. She glanced at the clock and saw she had about half an hour before she needed to be back at the high school for the final dress rehearsal. She set a timer for 20 minutes and plugged her phone in. Then she turned off her light and got into bed, trying to calm her breathing again and just fall asleep._

_She would see Toni tonight and it would be okay. Clearly, Toni wasn’t angry with her or she wouldn’t have asked about the joke. Or maybe she was just really good at hiding it, although that didn’t seem very characteristic of her at all. Plus, she was also the stage manager and tonight was the final dress, so she was bound to be busy. She probably wouldn’t even have time to think about Shelby, which, now that Shelby thought about it, didn’t exactly make her feel much better. “Fuck, Shelby, just go to sleep,” she growled to herself, squeezing her eyes shut. Even though that stupid gaff tape had been the reason she hadn’t kissed Toni (had Toni dropped it on purpose?) she still wished she could have some to fix everything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and I really appreciate the comments!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry this took so long, my semester just started up again, and I was struggling with writers block lol. I hope you enjoy this and you're all doing well!! :)

Shelby’s alarm went off and her eyes flew open, heart pounding. She didn’t turn off the alarm immediately because if she turned it off then she’d have to get started with her day and the thought of that made her stomach tighten. However, eventually, she rolled over, picked up her phone and turned off the alarm before setting it back down on the small, white bedside table. Then she burrowed back under her warm blue comforter and closed her eyes.

“Okay, Shelby, five seconds and then you have to get up,” she whispered before slowly beginning to count. Ten minutes later, she was dressed and down in the kitchen toasting some bread and cutting an apple. She was almost done eating her toast when she heard the back door open and felt her stomach tighten at the prospect of seeing her father.

“Hi Daddy,” she said quietly as she watched her father walking over to pour himself a cup of water. “How was your run?”

“Don’t you have a meetin’ to be leadin’ right now?”

“It doesn’t start for another 25 minutes. Daddy, I’m sorry I was late last night, and I’m sorry…” she trailed off unsure of what to say. The most her father had said to her since she’d overheard the conversation on Tuesday night was his reprimand last night. She’d gotten home too late for any conversation with him Tuesday night, and he’d completely ignored her Wednesday and most of Thursday until congratulating her on her performance and then chastising her for getting home late.

Setting his glass down, her father looked at her. “For what?”

“I-, I don’t know…whatever I did to upset you. I don’t, I don’t know what I did wrong. Please, Daddy, tell me. I’ll fix it.”

“Shelby, I just want you to follow the Lord’s way. Jesus died for our sins, and God made us in His image, so all we can do is try and live as Christ did.”

“I am trying. So hard, Daddy. I don’t…I don’t know why… what makes you think I’m not?” Shelby pleaded the rest of her breakfast entirely forgotten as she looked at her father and clenched her jaw.

Her father looked at her and then walked out of the kitchen.

“No, Daddy, please, tell me.” Shelby started to follow him but before she’d left the kitchen he was back and holding a small, crinkled piece of paper. He set it down on the granite countertop and looked at her. “What is this?”

Shelby took a step forward, dreading what the paper might be. When she saw the faded sparkly purple pen handwritten note she felt like throwing up. How in the world had he gotten this? She’d worked so hard to hide it. “How…where did you get this?”

“I asked Spence to get me the Bible your grandfather gave you. He found it in there. Shelby, tell me what it means.”

Shelby’s eyes clouded, and she felt tears begin to leak out. She’d never thought her father or anyone would ever even touch that Bible without her explicit permission. It was special, given to her by her grandfather shortly before he’d died. One of the only fights she’d ever seen between her parents had been over that Bible and whether or not Shelby should be allowed to keep it in her room.

Dave had argued that, as a Bible and therefore God's word, no one person should have ownership of it, so it should not be kept within Shelby’s room. God’s word was not something to be hidden. JoBeth had said it was the final gift her father had given any of them and if Shelby wanted to keep it to herself, she should be allowed to. Ultimately, Dave had conceded, though he made it clear that was to be the only Bible in the house that was not available for public use. But Shelby was allowed to keep the Bible, hidden in her room only to be read by herself in private. And so, for the past decade, Shelby had been the only one to ever touch the Bible. Even when they had been moving from Texas, she’d made sure to put the Bible in her backpack where she could know that no one was reading it.

“It doesn’t mean anything. It…it was a stupid dare. It’s not… I’m not… I’m not like, like that. It’s just…”

As tears flowed down Shelby’s face, her father picked the little paper back up and read:

“’Becca, You looked really pretty last night at the homecoming dance. I’m really glad we got to go together. I know we were just in a group together, but I honestly haven’t been able to think about anything else in weeks except you. I know you’re never going to read this, but I needed to get it out somewhere. I don’t even write about you or how I feel about you in my journal. I like you, Becca.’

You’re gonna tell me this was a dare. Shelby, do you think I’m stupid?”

“No, no, of course not, Daddy. I know you’re not stupid. It’s just…I didn’t mean it. Please…please you have to know I didn’t mean it. That’s not who I am. I follow God’s word, and I would never sin like that. Please, Daddy, you know that.”

“Apparently, I don’t. Go to school now before you’re late. It makes me sick thinking about you sinnin’ like this and I’ve had enough for this morning. Go.”

“Daddy, I—” Shelby began but Dave had already walked away and left his daughter standing alone as tears cascaded down her face.

Shelby sank to the floor, gasping for breath. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. No. No. It’s not…I’m not… I’m not I’m not, no, not like that.” She fell forward her elbows hitting the cool tile. She cradled her head in her hands and tried to silence the sobs. She didn’t want to wake up her mother or siblings and have them asking questions. No, she definitely would not be able to handle that. They probably all knew anyway and would feel disgusted just looking at her.

Eventually, the tears stopped and she looked up from the tearstained tile beneath her. The note was on the ground a few feet in front of her. Seeing it made the tears well up in her eyes again, but she lunged for it, snatching it and pushing herself up from the ground. She tore the paper up as she walked over to the counter and dropped the bits into her orange juice. Then, she picked up the glass and walked to the sink, turning the water on full blast. She dumped the orange juice with the pulp of her note down the drain and flipped on the garbage disposal, letting it run for much longer than necessary.

Shelby set down her glass and walked back around the counter to pick up her plate. She threw away the uneaten apple and then meticulously washed everything she’d used to make and eat her breakfast. She carefully placed them on the drying rack and then she picked up a rag, wet it, and cleaned the counter before washing her hands. She paused over the sink, watching the water drip off her hands before taking a deep breath and drying them. Then she picked up her backpack, pulled on her coat, and walked into the garage.

Without turning on the heat or music, Shelby backed her car out of the garage and started driving. She didn't think about where to go she just drove. She didn’t realize she was driving to Toni’s house until she passed the corner where she’d picked up Toni for the first time so they could work on their econ project.

“No. I’m not…like that.” Shelby turned left instead of going straight. Glancing in her rearview mirror, she saw Toni with her head down, earbuds in, and hands in her jacket pockets walking to school. The sight made her breath catch, and she jerked to a stop wanting desperately to turn around, pick her up, and drive to school with her.

Inhaling sharply, she returned her gaze to the street in front of her and realized she was randomly stopped in the middle of the road. Shaking her head, she started driving again. The tears started streaming down her face again, but this time they burned because the air in her car was still cold, and it was freezing outside. She wiped her face aggressively before eventually giving up because the tears weren’t stopping.

Shelby eventually ended up in the, thankfully, nearly deserted Walmart parking lot. She parked her car and stared at the barren land in front of her. She clenched her fists as she finally let herself sob. The cold and the terrible gasping noises she was making were hurting her chest. Even though the cool air stung to breathe, she kept gasping because she just couldn’t stop. Shelby screamed and hit the steering wheel once and then again and again. She began to cry harder as she looked down at her reddened palm. What the fuck was she doing?

Shelby dropped her head into her hands again and pushed her hands into her temples trying to make all the screaming in her head stop. She pulled her hair and then stopped because that took too much energy. When she finally sat back up, tears were still sliding slowly down her face.

She looked out the window and thought for a moment that fog had come out of nowhere before realizing her body heat must’ve heated the car up and fogged the windows. This realization made her realize that she wasn’t actually cold anymore, and she felt sweat drip down her armpits. Fumbling with her jacket zipper, she ripped off her coat and then threw it on top of her bag in the passenger’s seat. Shelby stared at her coat for a second before picking it back up and taking her water bottle out of her bag. She took a sip and then let her hands rest on her thighs, staring at the water sloshing around. She put the cap back on the bottle and then pulled out her phone.

There were many texts from the co-leaders of the Fellowship Christian Athletes, a few from her mom, and one from Toni, as well as a call from her. Ignoring the other texts, Shelby tapped Toni’s name instead.

_Missed call from Toni_ 8:26

Toni 8:51 _Where are you?_

Toni 8:54 _Hope you’re okay_

A wide smile split across Shelby’s aching face as she forgot her fear for the first moment since she’d overheard the conversation Tuesday night. Toni was worried about her, really and truly worried about her. She wanted to know where she was and if she was okay. Of course, Toni could’ve just been asking as a stage manager worried one of the leads wouldn’t be able to perform that night, but either way Shelby didn’t care because Toni was thinking about her.

Shelby wanted to see Toni, and she wanted to be able to perform that night, which meant she needed to be at school for at least half the day or she wouldn’t be allowed to participate in extracurricular activities.

Shelby pulled into the school parking lot and found one of the last open parking spots. She pulled her phone back out and read Toni’s texts again. Toni’s concern made her smile. Shelby bit her lip and then looked up from her phone at the school, zeroing in on the part of the building she knew Toni would be in right now. She should be there too. Toni was probably rolling her eyes right now at something Ms. Flores was saying about some old poet.

Shelby put her phone to sleep and set it in the cupholder. She leaned forward, resting her forehead against the steering wheel. She was exhausted. Shelby had cried so much this morning, and now she just wanted a hug and to sleep. She wanted a hug from Toni. Toni. She’d be able to see Toni if she got out of her car and went to AP comp and lit. She took a deep breath before sitting up straight and checking her face in the mirror. She definitely needed to wash it before walking into class. Shelby pulled her water bottle out of her bag and took a small sip and then another.

She opened the car door and exhaled as a fierce breeze bit through her jacket and stung her face. It felt good. It was refreshing. Shelby stood up tall and walked with her head held high up to the school entrance where she rang the doorbell and waited to be let in. She stopped by the office and signed in, flashing a sweet smile at the secretaries and making them laugh with a dumb joke about why she was late. They didn’t seem to notice her red eyes, blotchy face, how ragged her voice sounded, or how she’d flinched when she’d begun to speak because her throat hurt that much.

Shelby walked to the water fountain and filled it to the brim before drinking half of it and refilling it. She still had to perform tonight, which meant she needed to drink a lot of water so it wouldn’t feel like her throat was on fire the whole night. Then she walked into the bathroom and dropped her backpack on the ground near the restroom door. She walked over to the first small sink and laughed when she saw herself in the mirror. She really looked like shit. Shelby turned on the cold water and leaned over, splashing her face. She got some soap and scrubbed her face harshly. She walked across the restroom and got some paper towels, cringing slightly as the rough paper scratched her face. She threw away the paper towels and examined her face in the mirror once again, her smile fading the longer she stared. She couldn’t ask Toni for a hug. Toni was the reason she was in this mess anyway. She needed to stay away from her. Shelby didn’t need Toni. She was better off without her. She clenched her jaw and balled her fists tightly before releasing them and exhaling.

“I’m not like that.” Shelby smiled again, though this time it hurt her face, and then she walked over to her bag and pulled it on. She would get through today, then tomorrow, and then the show would be done, and she would be able to cut Toni out of her life completely. Sure, it was a small school, but Shelby was a determined person, and she was positive that she’d be able to avoid Toni if she really tried. She would show her father that she really was living in the most Christlike way possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and please comment; they mean a lot to me!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm not sure where this is going, but it was fun to write. I think I might do some flashbacks.


End file.
